Is Perfectionism Ruining Your Life?
When you hear the word ‘perfectionism’ what goes through your mind? I feel like my heart races a bit faster. I almost feel like that word is a start button for me to begin performing.
But, what is at the root of perfectionism? For me, it has always felt like this constant fear of judgment from other people. Like what are they thinking about my clothes, my weight, my appearance, the way I eat, etc. Like the thought of someone judging me negatively and even disapproving me, can be really hard. I mean, I’m a nice person after all – why would someone judge me like that? I think at the root of my perfectionism was my early childhood. Where my parents – unknowingly – placed this high expectation. They would constantly say to me, please don’t give us any trouble. We have enough on our plate. Or, how I needed to always look like a doll for church…or as the Latino culture would say, “we have to look our best for God” (major eye roll here). What I believe fueled this perfectionism for me through the years was my parents’ huge pride and positive response when I would get the honor roll, good grades or anything good. I loved that feeling of being approved by them. But what did that do for me, well…it began this never ending race of looking for everyone’s approval based on how I performed. It lead to me wanting to do everything perfectly so that I can be accepted and love. Fast forward to where I am today, I no longer seek perfection. I seek to learn how to live life without the need to be perfect. Here are a couple things I have learned through the help of my therapist and friends:
1. Set Healthy Boundaries – part of being a people pleaser meant I had no boundaries. It meant I would do everything and anything to get the job done. In the long run, it meant my husband and family were placed on the back burner. Now, I do my best to make sure there is at least one weekend where I am not committed to anything and just enjoying my family. It’s hard and sometimes it’s not possible, but as a family we all now know that when we say ‘yes’ to something we are also saying ‘no’ to everything else. There are two sides to it all.
2. Have Amazing Friends – I have a small circle of friends who know me and all of my struggles. Those friends are the ones who inspire me and encourage me on a daily basis. They remind me of WHOSE I am when I feel like I can’t do something or like I have fallen short. They are the ones who have accepted to journey with me and be by my side. They are my gift from heaven. Truly.
3. Realize That it is IMPOSSIBLE to Please Everyone – no matter what, you will never be able to please everyone. What is crazier to think is that even if you were to do everything for everyone, someone will change their mind and still talk about you…so, why go to the end of the world for someone who doesn’t know you and truly does NOT have your best interest at heart. Not worth it at all my friend.
4. Be Kind to Yourself – Know that no one knows it all. It’s okay to try something and then have to redirect your time, energy and/or efforts. It doesn’t mean you have failed. If you were to fall and never get back up then yes, I could see how that could be a failure. But any time you fall picture yourself as a little girl/boy and pick that child back up. How would you talk to them. Take the time to treat the wound but don’t knock that kid back down. Help them back up and keep going. Be kind to you. You are all YOU have.
5. Set Goals and a Schedule – I find that in my perfectionism I forget me – entirely. Like it is about everyone else and then I focus on me at the very end. What has helped me now is setting goals for my day, for my week and then for the month. I have a schedule I work with to ensure that I am setting time to focus on me. So when a boss or co-worker or someone else come with an “URGENT” request, I can defer that request/call/email AFTER I have accomplished what I needed to for my time. Because even though I care deeply for people – I too matter. My time is also important. And my goals are important.
6. Hold on to Faith – I work hard to remember that WHAT I do is not important. WHO I am is what is the core of my identity. And WHO am I? I am a daughter of God. That is it. It is because I am His daughter I have grace and mercy and truly the world at my disposal. What other people say and think of me doesn’t matter. A lot of times what someone else says or what they think of me is simply a projection of their own pain and brokenness. There is work they need to do and I can’t hold on to pain or rejection. Instead, I want to always be reminded that as a Child of God, I am free from anything that can hold me down and I can walk confidently into what He is calling me to for today.
I hope these steps can help free you from the bondage of perfectionism. May you know your worth and that you are worthy of love, peace and joy. May you find it within you today.